He is Jealous For Me

I'm not sure if I can express what I want to say here, but I will try. I am what is called an "external processor," so forgive me if this gets long winded or seems like it doesn't make much sense. I am trying to get to the bottom of what I am trying to say as I am typing these words out. Okay. . .

This post is about our attachment process with Lily. Many people have asked how we are bonding. Many, very considerate and wise people, have asked Dave and I for appropriate parameters as to how they should interact with Lily. Knowing that she has come from a place where she did not get much attention, and seemingly from what we can guess did not form a strong attachment with any caregiver, these friends and extended family members know that Lily could have very indiscriminate attachment. Meaning, if she was on another woman's lap and not mine, she may not be able to understand the difference. Remember the first day we met Lily - she did not cry or look for the people who drove her to meet us. She was willing to be bathed, fed, held and put to sleep by virtual strangers - US! She could not know or understand that we were people committed to be her forever family, that we were going to be her parents and love her. And yet she was okay with us.

Dave and I received counsel from an adoptive mom of 4 (6 children total) that for the first half a year or so after Lily comes home - we should not leave her with anyone else, that we should not let her wander off and be with other people on her own, and that for the most part - we should be the only ones to hold her. Short in-arms visits with family and friends are fine as long as we are present. If she wants to go into another room (and even if she seems fine without us), we go with her. Hold her tons, and wear her in a front pack or a sling. We are learning about each other - bonding, and I can see this process unfolding and going on for a long LONG while. Another friend who adopted a 12 month old daughter about 4 years ago says that they are still continuing to bond and learn about one another. I am not complaining - as I have said before - it is a privilege. It is a blessing and so rewarding to shower love on a little one, and we get the biggest thrills when we see Lily starting to respond and reciprocate. Many people have commented, "You must be exhausted!" Yes, I am, but sooo happy! And she is worth it!

For instance, just this past week she has started kissing Dave and me!!! Yippee! Very exciting stuff. Truly. It is absolutely the sweetest thing to be kissed by Lily!

We had brought a cloth doll to China for her to play with. When I showed it to her on day 1, she looked at it and threw it on the ground. "Baby?" I would give it back to her. She would throw it on the ground again. This week, when I hand her the baby, she kisses her head. Oh, joy! She now knows that babies are to be loved and cuddled. One of Dave's coworkers bought Lily a stroller and a doll whose eyes open and close. She has pushed that baby around a couple of times and seems to understand. Funny thing was that when Evan was here last week, he really REALLY took to that stroller and doll (he was here when we unwrapped it). He went to sleep with it parked next to him. Evan has always known the love of wonderful parents, and he knew what to do with that baby and stroller. Lily has learned a little bit from watching him play with those toys. And of course, I hope she has learned a lot a bit from being our daughter and a part of our family for the past 4 weeks.

Okay, I am getting off topic a bit.

So, I have a confession to make. When Lily does go for short in-arms visits with people (and she willingly will walk over to them and hug them), I get worried and. . .

I get JEALOUS.

I do not get jealous when my birth children go to other people. Instead, I rather feel so happy for them that they feel comfortable enough to welcome another person into their circle of loved people. I rejoice that they are growing in some independence and reassured that they know that Dave and I are their home base.

Now why is my maternal instinct sending off alarm bells when Lily happily goes to other adults? Yes, I am happy she loves people. But, you see, she does not have that secure home base yet. She does not know quite get fully that I am hers and she is mine. Until we have that strong attachment and bond, I think that I will feel uneasy when she goes to other people easily. We are making so much progress. She has bonded with Dave and me (especially me) AMAZINGLY and quickly in just the few short weeks we have had her. She wants me, looks for me - even when she is giving someone else a hug, she will crane her neck to find me and say, "Mama?" Lily definitely knows us and knows who is in the family.






I remember in college in some English lit class, the subject of God came up. I remember so clearly that my classmate was saying how she felt that God in the Bible must have the biggest insecurity complex since He is always trying to prove to and teach His people that He is God alone, and that they are His people. I disagreed with her even then (silently, of course - you all know how conflict avoidant I am) but could not quite put into words my defense. I knew it wasn't about insecurity. . .

Well, I think I have a little taste of God's heart now. I am not insecure about being Lily's mother (insecure about other things, yes, but not that). I get worried, uneasy and jealous when she goes to other people because I know that she doesn't know any better. Yes, these are all family and friends of ours who we want her to love and accept - but will she know when it is someone who could lead her astray? More importantly, she needs to know that she is our daughter - and to feel like she is our daughter - and to have the true, living relationship to us as our daughter, in order to safely navigate this life and this world.

"I the LORD am a jealous God." (Exodus 20:5). Or like the first line in the David Crowder Band song, "How He Loves":

"He is jealous for me. . . "

The Lord knows that we will only be happy and fulfilled and safe if we belong totally to Him. We don't have the discernment a lot of times about who to go to, and we wander a little to go with others who are nice, or befriend us, or give us cool stuff, or make us feel good. The Lord is jealous for us not because He is insecure, it is because He loves us so much and wants us to have a right relationship with Him. It breaks His heart when He sees that we don't know any better. The LORD loves us so - an obsessive and possessive love.

Not sure if I said any of this right - and I apologize that it has become a bit of a dissertation! And a bit heavy.

Like the photos? Lily js just a live wire most of the time. Notice that she is only really relaxed when she is sleeping next to me in that third photo. It is funny because I think that most parents are trying to get their babies to sleep on their own, and here I am rejoicing when Lily falls asleep in my arms! Some parents might be trying to leave their little ones with babysitters for at trial run at this age, and here we are wanting to keep her as close to us 24/7 as possible.

I leave you with a youtube video of David Crowder unplugged singing "How He loves." I LOVE this version (you have to get past the first thirty seconds or so of small talk). This song really helped me during a hard and dark time. I also love that it is unplugged, and you can definitely see that DC truly believes what he is singing! I love me some DCB :-). An awesome reminder of God's love for us for sure, check it out!