He is Jealous For Me

I'm not sure if I can express what I want to say here, but I will try. I am what is called an "external processor," so forgive me if this gets long winded or seems like it doesn't make much sense. I am trying to get to the bottom of what I am trying to say as I am typing these words out. Okay. . .

This post is about our attachment process with Lily. Many people have asked how we are bonding. Many, very considerate and wise people, have asked Dave and I for appropriate parameters as to how they should interact with Lily. Knowing that she has come from a place where she did not get much attention, and seemingly from what we can guess did not form a strong attachment with any caregiver, these friends and extended family members know that Lily could have very indiscriminate attachment. Meaning, if she was on another woman's lap and not mine, she may not be able to understand the difference. Remember the first day we met Lily - she did not cry or look for the people who drove her to meet us. She was willing to be bathed, fed, held and put to sleep by virtual strangers - US! She could not know or understand that we were people committed to be her forever family, that we were going to be her parents and love her. And yet she was okay with us.

Dave and I received counsel from an adoptive mom of 4 (6 children total) that for the first half a year or so after Lily comes home - we should not leave her with anyone else, that we should not let her wander off and be with other people on her own, and that for the most part - we should be the only ones to hold her. Short in-arms visits with family and friends are fine as long as we are present. If she wants to go into another room (and even if she seems fine without us), we go with her. Hold her tons, and wear her in a front pack or a sling. We are learning about each other - bonding, and I can see this process unfolding and going on for a long LONG while. Another friend who adopted a 12 month old daughter about 4 years ago says that they are still continuing to bond and learn about one another. I am not complaining - as I have said before - it is a privilege. It is a blessing and so rewarding to shower love on a little one, and we get the biggest thrills when we see Lily starting to respond and reciprocate. Many people have commented, "You must be exhausted!" Yes, I am, but sooo happy! And she is worth it!

For instance, just this past week she has started kissing Dave and me!!! Yippee! Very exciting stuff. Truly. It is absolutely the sweetest thing to be kissed by Lily!

We had brought a cloth doll to China for her to play with. When I showed it to her on day 1, she looked at it and threw it on the ground. "Baby?" I would give it back to her. She would throw it on the ground again. This week, when I hand her the baby, she kisses her head. Oh, joy! She now knows that babies are to be loved and cuddled. One of Dave's coworkers bought Lily a stroller and a doll whose eyes open and close. She has pushed that baby around a couple of times and seems to understand. Funny thing was that when Evan was here last week, he really REALLY took to that stroller and doll (he was here when we unwrapped it). He went to sleep with it parked next to him. Evan has always known the love of wonderful parents, and he knew what to do with that baby and stroller. Lily has learned a little bit from watching him play with those toys. And of course, I hope she has learned a lot a bit from being our daughter and a part of our family for the past 4 weeks.

Okay, I am getting off topic a bit.

So, I have a confession to make. When Lily does go for short in-arms visits with people (and she willingly will walk over to them and hug them), I get worried and. . .

I get JEALOUS.

I do not get jealous when my birth children go to other people. Instead, I rather feel so happy for them that they feel comfortable enough to welcome another person into their circle of loved people. I rejoice that they are growing in some independence and reassured that they know that Dave and I are their home base.

Now why is my maternal instinct sending off alarm bells when Lily happily goes to other adults? Yes, I am happy she loves people. But, you see, she does not have that secure home base yet. She does not know quite get fully that I am hers and she is mine. Until we have that strong attachment and bond, I think that I will feel uneasy when she goes to other people easily. We are making so much progress. She has bonded with Dave and me (especially me) AMAZINGLY and quickly in just the few short weeks we have had her. She wants me, looks for me - even when she is giving someone else a hug, she will crane her neck to find me and say, "Mama?" Lily definitely knows us and knows who is in the family.






I remember in college in some English lit class, the subject of God came up. I remember so clearly that my classmate was saying how she felt that God in the Bible must have the biggest insecurity complex since He is always trying to prove to and teach His people that He is God alone, and that they are His people. I disagreed with her even then (silently, of course - you all know how conflict avoidant I am) but could not quite put into words my defense. I knew it wasn't about insecurity. . .

Well, I think I have a little taste of God's heart now. I am not insecure about being Lily's mother (insecure about other things, yes, but not that). I get worried, uneasy and jealous when she goes to other people because I know that she doesn't know any better. Yes, these are all family and friends of ours who we want her to love and accept - but will she know when it is someone who could lead her astray? More importantly, she needs to know that she is our daughter - and to feel like she is our daughter - and to have the true, living relationship to us as our daughter, in order to safely navigate this life and this world.

"I the LORD am a jealous God." (Exodus 20:5). Or like the first line in the David Crowder Band song, "How He Loves":

"He is jealous for me. . . "

The Lord knows that we will only be happy and fulfilled and safe if we belong totally to Him. We don't have the discernment a lot of times about who to go to, and we wander a little to go with others who are nice, or befriend us, or give us cool stuff, or make us feel good. The Lord is jealous for us not because He is insecure, it is because He loves us so much and wants us to have a right relationship with Him. It breaks His heart when He sees that we don't know any better. The LORD loves us so - an obsessive and possessive love.

Not sure if I said any of this right - and I apologize that it has become a bit of a dissertation! And a bit heavy.

Like the photos? Lily js just a live wire most of the time. Notice that she is only really relaxed when she is sleeping next to me in that third photo. It is funny because I think that most parents are trying to get their babies to sleep on their own, and here I am rejoicing when Lily falls asleep in my arms! Some parents might be trying to leave their little ones with babysitters for at trial run at this age, and here we are wanting to keep her as close to us 24/7 as possible.

I leave you with a youtube video of David Crowder unplugged singing "How He loves." I LOVE this version (you have to get past the first thirty seconds or so of small talk). This song really helped me during a hard and dark time. I also love that it is unplugged, and you can definitely see that DC truly believes what he is singing! I love me some DCB :-). An awesome reminder of God's love for us for sure, check it out!

Bedtime And Runaway Bunnies

Here was bedtime at our house last night.

This was snapped (sorry, these are all iPhone pics so the quality is not so good) right after I told Lily it was time to go "nigh nigh." She did not take the news well.


Nathan showing his bedtime reading material. Pokemon Black and White.


Matthew is already reading in bed.


And Dada reading to Aaron. Dave and Aaron have really bonded since Lily came home. I am often busy at bedtime trying to put Lily down first, so Aaron has been requesting (and even preferring) to have Dave read to him instead of Mama. It's all good :-).


Speaking of bedtime reading, this is one of our favorite board books.


I've been meaning to write about this for awhile. It is by Margaret Wise Brown, the same author who wrote Goodnight Moon (another favorite). All of my kids love this book (but perhaps not as much as their mom does). They can practically recite it from memory, I think. Basically the book is about this little bunny who tells his mother he is going to run away. She says that if he runs away she will run after him because he is her little bunny. When he says he will turn into a fish and swim away. . .

She says she will become a fisherman and fish for him. . . (love how the bait at the end of the fishing line is a carrot!)


Then he says that he will turn into a bird and fly away. She says she will become a tree that he comes home to :-).


When he says that then he will become a sailboat and sail away, she says she will become the wind and blow him where she wants him to go. . . (love the bunny ears that are sails - see why I love this book so much?)


I have not included the entire plot, but at the end he gives up and says that he should just stay with Mama and be her little bunny.



And when Nathan was a wee thing, when I would get to this illustration at the end of the book, he would add the line, "And have nummies." Nummies is his word for nursing. It kind of looks like the mother bunny is nursing her baby in the rocking chair, no? And I love the bunny's stripey pajamas!

At the very end of the Runaway Bunny, when the baby bunny knows he will never be able to elude his mother, he says, "Shucks! I might just as well stay here and be your little bunny." And he does.

I remember when I introduced this book to a fellow mom, she asked, "Why does he keep wanting to run away?"

Good question. Seems like he has a good life. A mother who adores him and relentlessly pursues him (even in his imagined fantastical plans of running away) and will become whatever is needed to bring him back home. "For you are MY little bunny," she says. Even the first time I read this book, it made me think of the LORD.

It made me think of how many names He has. There is a whole list here. Jehovah Jireh (the Lord will provide), The Chief Shepherd, Prince of Peace, Wonderful, Counselor, Advocate, El-Roi (the strong one who sees). The list goes on (and I don't even know if this particular list is complete). It is amazing to read through them and think about all of these things that the LORD is, and how we can know these aspects of His character.

It makes me think of how He is just obsessed with us - and wants us to be *His." How He can become whatever we need to bring us to Him. And of course, why do we keep running away? But the Lord is always doing more, waiting longer for us to really be His and not be restless.

I bet I could write "The Runaway Chenning" with not as cute illustrations, telling the on going story of how the Lord keeps showing me how wonderful and able He is, and how He keeps pursuing me and bringing me back to Him.

Isn't She Lovely

Sing it with me!

Hissssssss!

Dave's residents organized an outing for everyone to go to a Stanford football game. I almost feel ashamed to blog about this!

Yes, our first family photo! Just wish that we were at Memorial Stadium at Berkeley instead :-). Lily is wearing the Stanford tee shirt that the residents bought for her.

This was all the kids' first football game ever. It was very exciting - the yelling and screaming, the canon going off every time there was a touchdown, and the spirit band doing their thing. Lots to see and hear and experience. All the kids had a hard time settling down for the night.

I think also the cotton candy may have had something to do with that as well!



Oh yes, the boys love them some cotton candy. I had to stop them from eating the whole bag (3 colors!). Matthew even said as we were walking to the car, "I think I ate too much cotton candy. My stomach hurts."

It's Been A Month!

Lily at Matthew and Nathan's martial arts class. I think my girl is ready for karate! She keeps wanting to go on the mat when we are supposed to be sitting quietly on the sidelines.


Yes, it has been a month since we first met Lily! In some ways, it has gone by so fast. . .in other ways it feels like we have had her forever. She has been growing in leaps and bounds, but there is still so much that we are learning about her, her personality, her likes and dislikes, every passing day! We all feel blessed and thankful that she is here with us now.

My brother-in-law, John and his family came to visit us over the weekend. It was their first time meeting Lily. My nephews, Jayden and Evan came, too, and readily accepted "Baby Lily." Jayden even drew this picture for Aaron to have. It is a picture of our family. The two taller stick figures are Dave and me. The shorter stick figures are Matthew, Nathan, and Aaron. The tiny little doodle next to me is Lily. Beautiful, no? I love it!


So we had a crew of boys here. Lots of fun!



Aarbear just loves it when Jay Jay comes to visit. They wake up and play right away, and continue until it is time for bed. We miss their whole family a lot.

In other news, Lily had her first craniosacral therapy appointment on Thursday. I am not totally dubious - but a little. It was very interesting. The CST was very gentle, and basically let Lily sit on my lap or followed her around the room while she played, and did the therapy that way. Lily was active and happy during the appointment. We shall see what we shall see. Don't worry - I will post before and after photos. You all can help me be the judge as to whether it works or not :-).

Our Weekend

The kids played in the yard at our house. They built forts out of the rock pile back there.


There are some rocks back there that are brick red in color and porous. I was telling the kids that they look like pumice stone. Then Aaron used the stone and smashed another rock with it. He said, "Wow, this hummus is really strong." I didn't have the heart or inclination to tell him it is pumice and not hummus :-). Some things are just too cute to correct.



At Sunday school, Matthew got to pick from the prize bin. Silly bands galore, which he promptly regifted to his baby brother.


And - Lilikins is learning how to play with toys!!! Banging on a xylophone. . .


Pretending to cook. This may not seem like a big deal to you, but role playing and pretending are developmental milestones :-). Do you like her boho outfit? I love it! It is a hand me down from a dear friend.


And on Saturday, Lily got to go swimming for the first time! We met some friends for a potluck picnic at the Stanford recreation center. She loved it! They have a 1 foot deep baby pool there. And holding onto Dada's hands - Lily enjoyed herself immensely.


One more cute Aaron story. On Saturday we also tried a new restaurant nearby. In that same plaza is Beard Papa's! They have the best best creampuffs there. Aaron got his to go, so when we got home he dug in. Yummy. The cutest thing is that he calls it his "papa" not a creampuff, as in, "Can I eat my papa now?" I know the remains look like a wadded up piece of paper towel - but the cream puffs are really really yummy!

So Far So Good

Sippin' between smooches.





Dr. Lloyd called me this evening with some results from Lily's labs. So far we have gotten results for 10 out of the 15 tests being run and so far so good! Everything was within normal limits except that she is a little bit anemic. Not enough to feel it, but I am going to try to give her more iron rich foods in her diet. We are still waiting on the Vitamin D and parasite labs to come back. I am so grateful, though, that so far things look good. It is reassuring!

The past few nights, when Lily whimpers or stirs in her sleep, I have been moving her out of her crib (which is right next to the bed) and wrapping my arms around her and sleeping like that together. I have been putting her in her crib for safety because after she falls asleep, I get up again to do housework, and she does not know yet how to get off the bed by herself. Also, because of her past, I think that she is used to sleeping in her own space. If I try to cuddle her to sleep on my bed, she often times will lie still just for a while and then start playing and babbling. It is almost like it is too stimulating for her. If she is tired, I can rock her to sleep in the sling or in the Ergo. Anyway, she definitely can fall back asleep by herself, but I have been feeling like I am missing something. It feels weird (to me) to wake up in the middle of the night and have that rush of panic and the, "Where is the baby?!?" feeling because she isn't right next to me. Also, as I have said so many times - this girl is A.C.T.I.V.E. The only time I can cuddle and hold her more is when she is asleep or drifting off to sleep. I know that we need to work more on attachment. I want her to know my body, my heartbeat, my voice and the way my skin feels (and vice versa). We have 18 months to make up for (or longer if you count in utero, which I think we should). She has been doing well with falling back asleep instantaneously when I lie her next to me and curl her up there. I actually feel closer to her and more able to handle her energy during the day if we get this snuggle time together.

And something that has come up the last few days is that Lily will hit Aaron if she wants something that he has :-(. She will swipe at his head or his arm :-(. And my dear boy will say, "That's ok, Mama, I will move to the backseat so that Lily can't hit me." I am trying very hard to teach her NOT to do this. How to be gentle and soft, how to ask, "Please?" And also, having lots of conversations with Aaron that it isn't just that he isn't hurt (which of course I am glad he is not), but that we should not let Lily hit him, that we don't want her to learnt that this is all right because it isn't. Sigh. I know these things came up with my biological children, but for some reason with Lily it sets off more alarm in me. Maybe because I don't know how she was taught or if she was taught, the treatment she received from her caretakers and other children, etc. I will try not to overanalyze and focus on loving guidance and discipline!

Also, it might be too early to tell, but Dave may be getting his wish for a left handed child (don't ask why he has always wanted to have someone in his family be left handed). Lily seems to reach with her left hand many times, and also grabs crayons and pencils with her left hand. So we will see! Stay tuned.

She is Growing!!!

Remember Lily's high fat diet. Yes, it is working, praise the LORD!
Today we had a follow up appointment with Dr. Lloyd, Lily's pediatrician. She now weighs 20 pounds 9 ounces!!! That's 1 pound and 3 ounces up from last week. And 2 pounds up from when she was weighed in Guangzhou at the medical examination!!!

Grow, grow, grow, little one! She definitely looks like she is filling out a bit. She has more meat on her bones!

And poor lamb, we had to do her blood draw today and urinalysis and stool sample. I actually brought a stool sample from home this morning :-). But I had to alloquat it into 4 different vials in the bathroom while restraining my wiggle worm in the Ergo and trying to balance the vials on the lip of the sink while not touching any poop. Goodness, who knew this would be in the job description for mom?

Lily cried and cried when she was having her blood drawn. They had to get two phlebotomists to come - one to help hold her arm still (I was holding her on my lap) and the other to do the bloodwork. Thank the Lord for butterfly needles and they got the blood vessel on the first poke!

And since she cannot pee on command, we put something called a U-bag on her. It was very interesting. Basically it is like a shaped sandwich baggie that is sterile and has adhesive on the opening. You just wipe down the baby and stick it on that area. You can see it hanging out of her diaper in the photo below. Basically, when the baby pees, you will see it in the bag. Well, have you ever heard the saying a watched U bag never fills? That is what it felt like. I kept waiting for her to pee. She did not pee during the doctor's exam, or the blood draw, or when I was separating stool samples. In fact, I had to put a new bag on her (Dr. Lloyd said that if you wait too long, the bag will get contaminated and it won't be a clean catch). Finally, finally, she peed when we went outside to hang out and eat something from the kiosk cafe outside. I think that her cortisol levels were too high during the exam and the blood draw, and that is why she could not pee. Too much stress and fear. Afterwards when we were outside and hanging out and getting a snack, she could relax and pee :-).



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And just to keep it real. Some photos from around my house :-(. It is a mess! And I feel overwhelmed. There is no way I can do much housework at all when Lily is awake. And after all the kids are asleep - I have been rushing out to do about 45 minutes of housework before apologizing to Dave that I need to go to bed. I have been missing our late night conversations and movie time. I am just too exhausted and trying to catch up on sleep and conserve energy.

The cleaners are coming tomorrow. Yahoo! But that means I have to clean before they come :-(.

Brotherly Love

It has touched my heart how easily and completely the boys have accepted Lily bug.
They all think she is just the cutest thing. They have a rotation for who gets to sit next to her at mealtimes.


And *this* sweet one who I was so worried about. . .



The other day Lily was napping in the boys' room. I had closed the door and told them not to go in because they might wake her. Later on, I walk by to check on her and I see this outside the door. I thought that someone was cleaning up and just put those there so that once Lily was awake we could put them in the room to put away. But no. Aaron explained to me later, "Mama, I put these toys here for Lily for when she wakes up because these are her most favorite toys." Love.



And here are Nathan, Aaron and Lily over the weekend.


Goodness I love those boys. I don't have a picture of Matthew, but he has also been lovin' on Lil. Carrying her around, walking around with her and holding her hand. Just beautiful.

I am thankful. Thankful because they love her and think she is beautiful. I worry sometimes about Lily and her self-image as she gets older because of her cleft lip and palate. Scars fade but they do not go away. I was encouraged to think that when she is a young lady - her brothers will be young men. And how great will it be for her that all the men in her life think she is beautiful?

I Am Fattening Her Up (Trying To)

Lily's high fat breakfast:


Baked oatmeal topped with. . .


Half and half (I use this on her cold cereal and in her scrambled eggs too)


And full fat Greek yogurt with raw honey.

She will be weighed on Thursday. Let's see if this works.

Life with Lily Update

Dear Friends and Family,

I don't think I have time to post photos, but I wanted to share some great news!
As of Sunday - Lily Claire is WALKING independently! And standing independently!
She can even walk a ways, then squat down to pick something up, stand back up, and turn around and walk the other direction!!!

Remember, that when we first met her 21 days ago - she could not walk or stand by herself!
Just had to share the great news!
I do have a little video of her doing it, which if I can figure out how to attach, I will send. Woohoo - figured it out!

Lily had her hearing tested today. It is not the most reliable test as you can only measure what she responds to. Basically, we sat in a sound proof room, and then sounds would come on from different directional speakers. If you look over to where the sound was coming from, you would see a toy move or light up (these were mounted on the wall and in different corners of the room). Lily reacted to some of the sounds, but not all. This is probably because of a few reasons.

1) The audiologist told me that her hearing could be just fine - but if she comes from a past where sounds were meaningless to her, she would not react to them. She told me that listening is a learned behavior. You know, things like making eye contact when someone is speaking to you, turning towards a voice because you are curious or think they are addressing you. These are learned behaviors. If she did not have a lot of interaction in her past (which we suspect) - this whole "I am talking to YOU" thing is very new to her.
2) In order to keep her still, there were some toys there to play with on my lap. Well, my girl was wayyy interested in the toys. No, let me rephrase that. Remember she doesn't really know what toys are. So basically she was going through them at lightning speed. Dropping them and saying, "Uh-oh, uh-oh." The audiologist said that she could have been so busy with them, that she would not bother to turn her head to the sounds that she was putting on over the speakers even though she could hear them.
3) This is the medical part. Lily has fluid in her ears, we suspect. This is pretty normal for cleft babies as their whole ENT system is open. Dr. Tribble did a test to see if her ear drums would move when the air pressure went up on the outside of her ear (they have an instrument to do this that is painless). On a normal ear, the eardrum moves to accommodate the extra pressure. For Lily, there was no movement. This is most likely because she has fluid build up in her ears. Therefore there would be decreased hearing as things sound muffled (like I am talking to you from underwater). Dr. Tribble said that the ENT doc will do a thorough check. Fun, fun, fun. I am dreading it already. Lily was none too happy (crying) to have the doctor today look in her ears with an otoscope. I can only imagine how much she will love the ENT.

The good news is that Lily really seems to hear quite fine at home. She is starting to respond more and more to our voices. She tries to imitate our sounds as much as she can. She babbles a LOT.
And the doctor did say that once her palate is closed and possibly tubes are put in her ears, the fluid should diminish a LOT. I am also attaching an iPhone pic from the waiting room at the audiologist today.

She has learned more signs - her full list now is:
Light
Moon
Drink
More
All done
Please
Dog
Bird

She knows these body parts:
Eyes
Button (belly button)

And she can say
Mama
Uh-oh!
Whoa-whoa (which is what she calls our dog. It is like a woofing noise)

Lily is a joy to have. Did I mention she is busy busy busy? She really is! She will try to get anyone she can to walk around the house with her. She is almost never still. Again, I am hoping she becomes more serene as time goes on, and she realizes she can RELAX at home. Seriously, she does not relax. Even if I am holding her, her body is erect and her head is not resting on my chest. In her carseat, she sits with her head up as well - never does she rest it against the carseat (or me) unless she is passed out. I am not sure if she is just still excited and exploring her environment, or if she doesn't want to miss anything, or what. I am longing for the day I can curl up on the couch with her and do something like read a book or snuggle. She still does not know what to do with books. I have been trying to read her a couple of board books every night before sleeping to establish a nighttime routine and also help her with her vocabulary. Well, our sessions go something like this - I start the story, she closes the book. I start again, she flips to the next page. I continue, she starts crawling on the bed. I persevere, she grabs the book out of my hands and drops it and says, "Uh oh!" I know it will come.

And when we see her eyes light up when she sees each of us - it is a gift from the Lord.
I will post this letter on my blog, and for those who want to follow along our url is www.hisloveprevails.blogspot.com

Goodnight!

Love,
Chenning

Damaged Goods

When I was in college, we would gather Tuesday nights for InterVarsity Christian Fellowship's large group meeting. We met at First Presbyterian Church - which was right across the street from campus. After you filed through the foyer, got your name tag and greeted friends, you would sit in the cushioned pews in the sanctuary for worship. Jason Jensen, our fearless leader (staff worker) would always come up to the podium and take the mic to welcome everyone and explain what IV was just in case there were any newcomers. He would always say the same thing:

"Welcome to InterVarsity Christian Fellowship's large group meeting. My name is Jason Jensen. We are a group of messed up people who have gathered around and worship the person of Jesus Christ."

Messed up people.

I remember that a friend of mine in IV actually had reservations about Jason introducing our group that way. He felt that it would scare off new people. Messed up people.

But we are messed up people.

Some of us may be messed up in more obvious ways, but all of us have weaknesses and faults and SIN - though we can try to hide it deep inside.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately since we met Lily, and she joined our family. As you know - she was labeled a "special needs adoption." What does this mean? Well, in different countries it may mean different things, but in China it means that there is something about her that makes her probably not adoptable by her native people. When we decided to do the special needs program, Dave and I were able to carefully consider some of the more common medical concerns that come up and make a list for our wonderful adoption coordinator to use to find a child for us. In China, 90% of the orphans are labeled special needs. Some of those special needs would not necessarily be considered such in the United States, but others range from mild and correctible to moderate to severe. Last I heard, there are over 2,000 children on the shared list (these are the special needs children still waiting for a family).

We knew that Lily had a cleft palate, cleft lip, and right ingual hernia. Now that she is home with us, when people meet us and see her and I explain about our medical appointments that we have been going to, they frequently ask, "Did you know she had cleft palate?" Yes, yes, we knew.

The reality of seeing how this special need affects our daughter has been sobering. Even more sobering has been coming to terms (or trying not to think about) how she may have been kept before we adopted her. I wrote about the lice and scabies and how painfully thin she is. I wrote about the scars on her bottom. And her bachycephaly (fancy word for flat head - or as another pediatrician calls it "orphanage head"). I found out yesterday at the general pediatrician's office that a possible reason that her bottom ribs flare out slightly is because she may have rickets. :-(

Rickets is not something we see here in the States very much. It is what can happen to your bones when you do not get enough Vitamin D (either in your diet or from not being outside enough). Thankfully, when I expressed my concern about what is to be done with RICKETS, Dr. Lloyd said, "Oh it's treatable! We will give her some Vitamin D if that is what she needs. It is amazing what a little love and food can do, too."

What am I saying?

Lily was on the special needs list because she could be considered damaged goods.

Damaged because of her medical needs.

And even without that, damaged because she had to experience abandonment, loss, and who knows what else.


This has made me think about those of us who have come to know the love and family of God. We were damaged goods as well. Maybe we don't have a health condition (but maybe we do). Maybe we have a bad temper, or can't stop lying, or wanting to be better than someone else, or maybe we have wandering eyes or abuse or have been abused. We are damaged by sin. And we were in a place where we were so messed up and no one wanted us. . . but the love of Christ came to us and He saved us and adopted us. We actually all have special needs - maybe you just can't see them from the outset.

6 All of us have become like one who is unclean,
and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags;
we all shrivel up like a leaf,
and like the wind our sins sweep us away.
Isaiah 64:6

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding." Ephesians 1:3-8

"for you once were NOT A PEOPLE, but now you are THE PEOPLE OF GOD; you had NOT RECEIVED MERCY, but now you have RECEIVED MERCY" 1Peter 2:10

Now, although adoption is a wonderful picture of God's adoption and love for us - I do not feel like we saved and rescued Lily. What I mean is, yes - probably we did take her out of a situation that was optimal - but we did not adopt her so that we could save a child. We adopted her (and I wanted to adopt) because we love children. And feel that all children should have a loving home. And everyone would be blessed by a child to love. So as much as people say she is "lucky" or "blessed" to have us - I feel even more so that we will be blessed to have her. We are raising her? Yes, and she is raising us :-). Lord willing, we will- each one of us - grow up together in Christ.

We have been home 10 days. There have been challenges - and I feel like I am constantly in a state of emotional or physical exhaustion. Yes, we are having lots of fun and enjoying watching Lily blossom slowly. It is a privilege. But it has been hard too.

Hard because...
I have forgotten how energetic 18 month olds are! Yikes! And like I said before - she is a busy toddler who does not nurse (at least not yet). So no nursing breaks for us.

She cannot communicate very well with us still. When she gets agitated or wants something or wants to go somewhere - she will start making these whining/humming noises in increasing intensity! My nerves! My other children could communicate a lot with me by this age so we didn't have a lot of this. Lily knows a few signs, but we are trying to reinforce them to make life easier (and for her mother's sanity!).

I am stressed by the medical stuff. This is all new to me since my other children are so healthy and I carried them and birthed them and knew all of their medical history and their genetics more or less. Lily has been doing great with the doctors. She is a trooper. I worry because there is so much unknown about her background that we are still trying to figure out. She is having tests and so forth done to just get a baseline. Also - do you know how long it takes to wait to see a specialist? I called today to ENT - and the next available appt is November 16th!

Judy, our China friend, said that when she saw the photo of her Lily she touched it fondly and said, "Mama's gonna fix you all up." I confess that this is how I felt when we first received Lily. As the days have gone on - I realize that it is not necessarily within my power, and that certainly it will not be an overnight process. Patience! I am trying not to let all of this interfere with our bonding. It is hard to bond when you are acting like a nurse. And for the most part, Lily is healthy and normal - she smiles, she laughs, she plays, she eats, she sleeps, she gives hugs, she is happy to see her Daddy, she makes good eye contact :-).

It made me think again of our Lord. How He *DID* rescue us, and we certainly have more to be cleaned up and fixed than Lily's medical needs. However, how He loves us. He is so patient with us. He loves us so completely - and takes us right into His arms without looking over us and thinking of all the things He is going to have to work on. All of those things come gradually as He rehabilitates us and draws us with His love.

Yeah, we are messed up people. But He loves us just the way we are.

Pictures with the "Good" Camera

We went to Argonaut Elementary School over the weekend and snapped some photos of the whole fam with our "good" camera. Wow - what a difference the camera makes. Dave and I had decided not to bring it with us to China since it weighs as much as a small child :-).

Lily has an appointment tomorrow with Dr. Lloyd, our pediatrician. Hoping and praying for a clean bill of health. She has some other issues (besides the cleft lip and palate) that I want to ask him about. Namely a hernia that is unrepaired (but does not seem to bother her), and also her bottom ribs flare out a little. We have not heard yet from ENT or pulmonology as of yet. Also, today I took her to see the cranial sacral therapist for a consult. Dr. Skinner was confident that with 4-6 visits, there should be noticeable improvement in Lily's head shape. I asked her how it worked and apparently CST uses the fluids of the body (going with the flow of them) to help the body decompress and do what it is trying to do anyway. Sounds really. . . ODD. But I think we will give it a try as it is very very gentle, and I have known many mamas who have benefited from it (or their children have). I am going to for sure take before and after photos and see what happens.

Otherwise, Lily is doing well. We are still adjusting over here to having one more member of the family. I am tired. And there is still so much catching up to be done with laundry and unpacking and the boys' schoolwork. Next week should be better.