He is Jealous For Me

I'm not sure if I can express what I want to say here, but I will try. I am what is called an "external processor," so forgive me if this gets long winded or seems like it doesn't make much sense. I am trying to get to the bottom of what I am trying to say as I am typing these words out. Okay. . .

This post is about our attachment process with Lily. Many people have asked how we are bonding. Many, very considerate and wise people, have asked Dave and I for appropriate parameters as to how they should interact with Lily. Knowing that she has come from a place where she did not get much attention, and seemingly from what we can guess did not form a strong attachment with any caregiver, these friends and extended family members know that Lily could have very indiscriminate attachment. Meaning, if she was on another woman's lap and not mine, she may not be able to understand the difference. Remember the first day we met Lily - she did not cry or look for the people who drove her to meet us. She was willing to be bathed, fed, held and put to sleep by virtual strangers - US! She could not know or understand that we were people committed to be her forever family, that we were going to be her parents and love her. And yet she was okay with us.

Dave and I received counsel from an adoptive mom of 4 (6 children total) that for the first half a year or so after Lily comes home - we should not leave her with anyone else, that we should not let her wander off and be with other people on her own, and that for the most part - we should be the only ones to hold her. Short in-arms visits with family and friends are fine as long as we are present. If she wants to go into another room (and even if she seems fine without us), we go with her. Hold her tons, and wear her in a front pack or a sling. We are learning about each other - bonding, and I can see this process unfolding and going on for a long LONG while. Another friend who adopted a 12 month old daughter about 4 years ago says that they are still continuing to bond and learn about one another. I am not complaining - as I have said before - it is a privilege. It is a blessing and so rewarding to shower love on a little one, and we get the biggest thrills when we see Lily starting to respond and reciprocate. Many people have commented, "You must be exhausted!" Yes, I am, but sooo happy! And she is worth it!

For instance, just this past week she has started kissing Dave and me!!! Yippee! Very exciting stuff. Truly. It is absolutely the sweetest thing to be kissed by Lily!

We had brought a cloth doll to China for her to play with. When I showed it to her on day 1, she looked at it and threw it on the ground. "Baby?" I would give it back to her. She would throw it on the ground again. This week, when I hand her the baby, she kisses her head. Oh, joy! She now knows that babies are to be loved and cuddled. One of Dave's coworkers bought Lily a stroller and a doll whose eyes open and close. She has pushed that baby around a couple of times and seems to understand. Funny thing was that when Evan was here last week, he really REALLY took to that stroller and doll (he was here when we unwrapped it). He went to sleep with it parked next to him. Evan has always known the love of wonderful parents, and he knew what to do with that baby and stroller. Lily has learned a little bit from watching him play with those toys. And of course, I hope she has learned a lot a bit from being our daughter and a part of our family for the past 4 weeks.

Okay, I am getting off topic a bit.

So, I have a confession to make. When Lily does go for short in-arms visits with people (and she willingly will walk over to them and hug them), I get worried and. . .

I get JEALOUS.

I do not get jealous when my birth children go to other people. Instead, I rather feel so happy for them that they feel comfortable enough to welcome another person into their circle of loved people. I rejoice that they are growing in some independence and reassured that they know that Dave and I are their home base.

Now why is my maternal instinct sending off alarm bells when Lily happily goes to other adults? Yes, I am happy she loves people. But, you see, she does not have that secure home base yet. She does not know quite get fully that I am hers and she is mine. Until we have that strong attachment and bond, I think that I will feel uneasy when she goes to other people easily. We are making so much progress. She has bonded with Dave and me (especially me) AMAZINGLY and quickly in just the few short weeks we have had her. She wants me, looks for me - even when she is giving someone else a hug, she will crane her neck to find me and say, "Mama?" Lily definitely knows us and knows who is in the family.






I remember in college in some English lit class, the subject of God came up. I remember so clearly that my classmate was saying how she felt that God in the Bible must have the biggest insecurity complex since He is always trying to prove to and teach His people that He is God alone, and that they are His people. I disagreed with her even then (silently, of course - you all know how conflict avoidant I am) but could not quite put into words my defense. I knew it wasn't about insecurity. . .

Well, I think I have a little taste of God's heart now. I am not insecure about being Lily's mother (insecure about other things, yes, but not that). I get worried, uneasy and jealous when she goes to other people because I know that she doesn't know any better. Yes, these are all family and friends of ours who we want her to love and accept - but will she know when it is someone who could lead her astray? More importantly, she needs to know that she is our daughter - and to feel like she is our daughter - and to have the true, living relationship to us as our daughter, in order to safely navigate this life and this world.

"I the LORD am a jealous God." (Exodus 20:5). Or like the first line in the David Crowder Band song, "How He Loves":

"He is jealous for me. . . "

The Lord knows that we will only be happy and fulfilled and safe if we belong totally to Him. We don't have the discernment a lot of times about who to go to, and we wander a little to go with others who are nice, or befriend us, or give us cool stuff, or make us feel good. The Lord is jealous for us not because He is insecure, it is because He loves us so much and wants us to have a right relationship with Him. It breaks His heart when He sees that we don't know any better. The LORD loves us so - an obsessive and possessive love.

Not sure if I said any of this right - and I apologize that it has become a bit of a dissertation! And a bit heavy.

Like the photos? Lily js just a live wire most of the time. Notice that she is only really relaxed when she is sleeping next to me in that third photo. It is funny because I think that most parents are trying to get their babies to sleep on their own, and here I am rejoicing when Lily falls asleep in my arms! Some parents might be trying to leave their little ones with babysitters for at trial run at this age, and here we are wanting to keep her as close to us 24/7 as possible.

I leave you with a youtube video of David Crowder unplugged singing "How He loves." I LOVE this version (you have to get past the first thirty seconds or so of small talk). This song really helped me during a hard and dark time. I also love that it is unplugged, and you can definitely see that DC truly believes what he is singing! I love me some DCB :-). An awesome reminder of God's love for us for sure, check it out!

Bedtime And Runaway Bunnies

Here was bedtime at our house last night.

This was snapped (sorry, these are all iPhone pics so the quality is not so good) right after I told Lily it was time to go "nigh nigh." She did not take the news well.


Nathan showing his bedtime reading material. Pokemon Black and White.


Matthew is already reading in bed.


And Dada reading to Aaron. Dave and Aaron have really bonded since Lily came home. I am often busy at bedtime trying to put Lily down first, so Aaron has been requesting (and even preferring) to have Dave read to him instead of Mama. It's all good :-).


Speaking of bedtime reading, this is one of our favorite board books.


I've been meaning to write about this for awhile. It is by Margaret Wise Brown, the same author who wrote Goodnight Moon (another favorite). All of my kids love this book (but perhaps not as much as their mom does). They can practically recite it from memory, I think. Basically the book is about this little bunny who tells his mother he is going to run away. She says that if he runs away she will run after him because he is her little bunny. When he says he will turn into a fish and swim away. . .

She says she will become a fisherman and fish for him. . . (love how the bait at the end of the fishing line is a carrot!)


Then he says that he will turn into a bird and fly away. She says she will become a tree that he comes home to :-).


When he says that then he will become a sailboat and sail away, she says she will become the wind and blow him where she wants him to go. . . (love the bunny ears that are sails - see why I love this book so much?)


I have not included the entire plot, but at the end he gives up and says that he should just stay with Mama and be her little bunny.



And when Nathan was a wee thing, when I would get to this illustration at the end of the book, he would add the line, "And have nummies." Nummies is his word for nursing. It kind of looks like the mother bunny is nursing her baby in the rocking chair, no? And I love the bunny's stripey pajamas!

At the very end of the Runaway Bunny, when the baby bunny knows he will never be able to elude his mother, he says, "Shucks! I might just as well stay here and be your little bunny." And he does.

I remember when I introduced this book to a fellow mom, she asked, "Why does he keep wanting to run away?"

Good question. Seems like he has a good life. A mother who adores him and relentlessly pursues him (even in his imagined fantastical plans of running away) and will become whatever is needed to bring him back home. "For you are MY little bunny," she says. Even the first time I read this book, it made me think of the LORD.

It made me think of how many names He has. There is a whole list here. Jehovah Jireh (the Lord will provide), The Chief Shepherd, Prince of Peace, Wonderful, Counselor, Advocate, El-Roi (the strong one who sees). The list goes on (and I don't even know if this particular list is complete). It is amazing to read through them and think about all of these things that the LORD is, and how we can know these aspects of His character.

It makes me think of how He is just obsessed with us - and wants us to be *His." How He can become whatever we need to bring us to Him. And of course, why do we keep running away? But the Lord is always doing more, waiting longer for us to really be His and not be restless.

I bet I could write "The Runaway Chenning" with not as cute illustrations, telling the on going story of how the Lord keeps showing me how wonderful and able He is, and how He keeps pursuing me and bringing me back to Him.

Isn't She Lovely

Sing it with me!

Hissssssss!

Dave's residents organized an outing for everyone to go to a Stanford football game. I almost feel ashamed to blog about this!

Yes, our first family photo! Just wish that we were at Memorial Stadium at Berkeley instead :-). Lily is wearing the Stanford tee shirt that the residents bought for her.

This was all the kids' first football game ever. It was very exciting - the yelling and screaming, the canon going off every time there was a touchdown, and the spirit band doing their thing. Lots to see and hear and experience. All the kids had a hard time settling down for the night.

I think also the cotton candy may have had something to do with that as well!



Oh yes, the boys love them some cotton candy. I had to stop them from eating the whole bag (3 colors!). Matthew even said as we were walking to the car, "I think I ate too much cotton candy. My stomach hurts."

It's Been A Month!

Lily at Matthew and Nathan's martial arts class. I think my girl is ready for karate! She keeps wanting to go on the mat when we are supposed to be sitting quietly on the sidelines.


Yes, it has been a month since we first met Lily! In some ways, it has gone by so fast. . .in other ways it feels like we have had her forever. She has been growing in leaps and bounds, but there is still so much that we are learning about her, her personality, her likes and dislikes, every passing day! We all feel blessed and thankful that she is here with us now.

My brother-in-law, John and his family came to visit us over the weekend. It was their first time meeting Lily. My nephews, Jayden and Evan came, too, and readily accepted "Baby Lily." Jayden even drew this picture for Aaron to have. It is a picture of our family. The two taller stick figures are Dave and me. The shorter stick figures are Matthew, Nathan, and Aaron. The tiny little doodle next to me is Lily. Beautiful, no? I love it!


So we had a crew of boys here. Lots of fun!



Aarbear just loves it when Jay Jay comes to visit. They wake up and play right away, and continue until it is time for bed. We miss their whole family a lot.

In other news, Lily had her first craniosacral therapy appointment on Thursday. I am not totally dubious - but a little. It was very interesting. The CST was very gentle, and basically let Lily sit on my lap or followed her around the room while she played, and did the therapy that way. Lily was active and happy during the appointment. We shall see what we shall see. Don't worry - I will post before and after photos. You all can help me be the judge as to whether it works or not :-).

Our Weekend

The kids played in the yard at our house. They built forts out of the rock pile back there.


There are some rocks back there that are brick red in color and porous. I was telling the kids that they look like pumice stone. Then Aaron used the stone and smashed another rock with it. He said, "Wow, this hummus is really strong." I didn't have the heart or inclination to tell him it is pumice and not hummus :-). Some things are just too cute to correct.



At Sunday school, Matthew got to pick from the prize bin. Silly bands galore, which he promptly regifted to his baby brother.


And - Lilikins is learning how to play with toys!!! Banging on a xylophone. . .


Pretending to cook. This may not seem like a big deal to you, but role playing and pretending are developmental milestones :-). Do you like her boho outfit? I love it! It is a hand me down from a dear friend.


And on Saturday, Lily got to go swimming for the first time! We met some friends for a potluck picnic at the Stanford recreation center. She loved it! They have a 1 foot deep baby pool there. And holding onto Dada's hands - Lily enjoyed herself immensely.


One more cute Aaron story. On Saturday we also tried a new restaurant nearby. In that same plaza is Beard Papa's! They have the best best creampuffs there. Aaron got his to go, so when we got home he dug in. Yummy. The cutest thing is that he calls it his "papa" not a creampuff, as in, "Can I eat my papa now?" I know the remains look like a wadded up piece of paper towel - but the cream puffs are really really yummy!

So Far So Good

Sippin' between smooches.





Dr. Lloyd called me this evening with some results from Lily's labs. So far we have gotten results for 10 out of the 15 tests being run and so far so good! Everything was within normal limits except that she is a little bit anemic. Not enough to feel it, but I am going to try to give her more iron rich foods in her diet. We are still waiting on the Vitamin D and parasite labs to come back. I am so grateful, though, that so far things look good. It is reassuring!

The past few nights, when Lily whimpers or stirs in her sleep, I have been moving her out of her crib (which is right next to the bed) and wrapping my arms around her and sleeping like that together. I have been putting her in her crib for safety because after she falls asleep, I get up again to do housework, and she does not know yet how to get off the bed by herself. Also, because of her past, I think that she is used to sleeping in her own space. If I try to cuddle her to sleep on my bed, she often times will lie still just for a while and then start playing and babbling. It is almost like it is too stimulating for her. If she is tired, I can rock her to sleep in the sling or in the Ergo. Anyway, she definitely can fall back asleep by herself, but I have been feeling like I am missing something. It feels weird (to me) to wake up in the middle of the night and have that rush of panic and the, "Where is the baby?!?" feeling because she isn't right next to me. Also, as I have said so many times - this girl is A.C.T.I.V.E. The only time I can cuddle and hold her more is when she is asleep or drifting off to sleep. I know that we need to work more on attachment. I want her to know my body, my heartbeat, my voice and the way my skin feels (and vice versa). We have 18 months to make up for (or longer if you count in utero, which I think we should). She has been doing well with falling back asleep instantaneously when I lie her next to me and curl her up there. I actually feel closer to her and more able to handle her energy during the day if we get this snuggle time together.

And something that has come up the last few days is that Lily will hit Aaron if she wants something that he has :-(. She will swipe at his head or his arm :-(. And my dear boy will say, "That's ok, Mama, I will move to the backseat so that Lily can't hit me." I am trying very hard to teach her NOT to do this. How to be gentle and soft, how to ask, "Please?" And also, having lots of conversations with Aaron that it isn't just that he isn't hurt (which of course I am glad he is not), but that we should not let Lily hit him, that we don't want her to learnt that this is all right because it isn't. Sigh. I know these things came up with my biological children, but for some reason with Lily it sets off more alarm in me. Maybe because I don't know how she was taught or if she was taught, the treatment she received from her caretakers and other children, etc. I will try not to overanalyze and focus on loving guidance and discipline!

Also, it might be too early to tell, but Dave may be getting his wish for a left handed child (don't ask why he has always wanted to have someone in his family be left handed). Lily seems to reach with her left hand many times, and also grabs crayons and pencils with her left hand. So we will see! Stay tuned.