So Far So Good

Sippin' between smooches.





Dr. Lloyd called me this evening with some results from Lily's labs. So far we have gotten results for 10 out of the 15 tests being run and so far so good! Everything was within normal limits except that she is a little bit anemic. Not enough to feel it, but I am going to try to give her more iron rich foods in her diet. We are still waiting on the Vitamin D and parasite labs to come back. I am so grateful, though, that so far things look good. It is reassuring!

The past few nights, when Lily whimpers or stirs in her sleep, I have been moving her out of her crib (which is right next to the bed) and wrapping my arms around her and sleeping like that together. I have been putting her in her crib for safety because after she falls asleep, I get up again to do housework, and she does not know yet how to get off the bed by herself. Also, because of her past, I think that she is used to sleeping in her own space. If I try to cuddle her to sleep on my bed, she often times will lie still just for a while and then start playing and babbling. It is almost like it is too stimulating for her. If she is tired, I can rock her to sleep in the sling or in the Ergo. Anyway, she definitely can fall back asleep by herself, but I have been feeling like I am missing something. It feels weird (to me) to wake up in the middle of the night and have that rush of panic and the, "Where is the baby?!?" feeling because she isn't right next to me. Also, as I have said so many times - this girl is A.C.T.I.V.E. The only time I can cuddle and hold her more is when she is asleep or drifting off to sleep. I know that we need to work more on attachment. I want her to know my body, my heartbeat, my voice and the way my skin feels (and vice versa). We have 18 months to make up for (or longer if you count in utero, which I think we should). She has been doing well with falling back asleep instantaneously when I lie her next to me and curl her up there. I actually feel closer to her and more able to handle her energy during the day if we get this snuggle time together.

And something that has come up the last few days is that Lily will hit Aaron if she wants something that he has :-(. She will swipe at his head or his arm :-(. And my dear boy will say, "That's ok, Mama, I will move to the backseat so that Lily can't hit me." I am trying very hard to teach her NOT to do this. How to be gentle and soft, how to ask, "Please?" And also, having lots of conversations with Aaron that it isn't just that he isn't hurt (which of course I am glad he is not), but that we should not let Lily hit him, that we don't want her to learnt that this is all right because it isn't. Sigh. I know these things came up with my biological children, but for some reason with Lily it sets off more alarm in me. Maybe because I don't know how she was taught or if she was taught, the treatment she received from her caretakers and other children, etc. I will try not to overanalyze and focus on loving guidance and discipline!

Also, it might be too early to tell, but Dave may be getting his wish for a left handed child (don't ask why he has always wanted to have someone in his family be left handed). Lily seems to reach with her left hand many times, and also grabs crayons and pencils with her left hand. So we will see! Stay tuned.

She is Growing!!!

Remember Lily's high fat diet. Yes, it is working, praise the LORD!
Today we had a follow up appointment with Dr. Lloyd, Lily's pediatrician. She now weighs 20 pounds 9 ounces!!! That's 1 pound and 3 ounces up from last week. And 2 pounds up from when she was weighed in Guangzhou at the medical examination!!!

Grow, grow, grow, little one! She definitely looks like she is filling out a bit. She has more meat on her bones!

And poor lamb, we had to do her blood draw today and urinalysis and stool sample. I actually brought a stool sample from home this morning :-). But I had to alloquat it into 4 different vials in the bathroom while restraining my wiggle worm in the Ergo and trying to balance the vials on the lip of the sink while not touching any poop. Goodness, who knew this would be in the job description for mom?

Lily cried and cried when she was having her blood drawn. They had to get two phlebotomists to come - one to help hold her arm still (I was holding her on my lap) and the other to do the bloodwork. Thank the Lord for butterfly needles and they got the blood vessel on the first poke!

And since she cannot pee on command, we put something called a U-bag on her. It was very interesting. Basically it is like a shaped sandwich baggie that is sterile and has adhesive on the opening. You just wipe down the baby and stick it on that area. You can see it hanging out of her diaper in the photo below. Basically, when the baby pees, you will see it in the bag. Well, have you ever heard the saying a watched U bag never fills? That is what it felt like. I kept waiting for her to pee. She did not pee during the doctor's exam, or the blood draw, or when I was separating stool samples. In fact, I had to put a new bag on her (Dr. Lloyd said that if you wait too long, the bag will get contaminated and it won't be a clean catch). Finally, finally, she peed when we went outside to hang out and eat something from the kiosk cafe outside. I think that her cortisol levels were too high during the exam and the blood draw, and that is why she could not pee. Too much stress and fear. Afterwards when we were outside and hanging out and getting a snack, she could relax and pee :-).



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And just to keep it real. Some photos from around my house :-(. It is a mess! And I feel overwhelmed. There is no way I can do much housework at all when Lily is awake. And after all the kids are asleep - I have been rushing out to do about 45 minutes of housework before apologizing to Dave that I need to go to bed. I have been missing our late night conversations and movie time. I am just too exhausted and trying to catch up on sleep and conserve energy.

The cleaners are coming tomorrow. Yahoo! But that means I have to clean before they come :-(.

Brotherly Love

It has touched my heart how easily and completely the boys have accepted Lily bug.
They all think she is just the cutest thing. They have a rotation for who gets to sit next to her at mealtimes.


And *this* sweet one who I was so worried about. . .



The other day Lily was napping in the boys' room. I had closed the door and told them not to go in because they might wake her. Later on, I walk by to check on her and I see this outside the door. I thought that someone was cleaning up and just put those there so that once Lily was awake we could put them in the room to put away. But no. Aaron explained to me later, "Mama, I put these toys here for Lily for when she wakes up because these are her most favorite toys." Love.



And here are Nathan, Aaron and Lily over the weekend.


Goodness I love those boys. I don't have a picture of Matthew, but he has also been lovin' on Lil. Carrying her around, walking around with her and holding her hand. Just beautiful.

I am thankful. Thankful because they love her and think she is beautiful. I worry sometimes about Lily and her self-image as she gets older because of her cleft lip and palate. Scars fade but they do not go away. I was encouraged to think that when she is a young lady - her brothers will be young men. And how great will it be for her that all the men in her life think she is beautiful?

I Am Fattening Her Up (Trying To)

Lily's high fat breakfast:


Baked oatmeal topped with. . .


Half and half (I use this on her cold cereal and in her scrambled eggs too)


And full fat Greek yogurt with raw honey.

She will be weighed on Thursday. Let's see if this works.

Life with Lily Update

Dear Friends and Family,

I don't think I have time to post photos, but I wanted to share some great news!
As of Sunday - Lily Claire is WALKING independently! And standing independently!
She can even walk a ways, then squat down to pick something up, stand back up, and turn around and walk the other direction!!!

Remember, that when we first met her 21 days ago - she could not walk or stand by herself!
Just had to share the great news!
I do have a little video of her doing it, which if I can figure out how to attach, I will send. Woohoo - figured it out!

Lily had her hearing tested today. It is not the most reliable test as you can only measure what she responds to. Basically, we sat in a sound proof room, and then sounds would come on from different directional speakers. If you look over to where the sound was coming from, you would see a toy move or light up (these were mounted on the wall and in different corners of the room). Lily reacted to some of the sounds, but not all. This is probably because of a few reasons.

1) The audiologist told me that her hearing could be just fine - but if she comes from a past where sounds were meaningless to her, she would not react to them. She told me that listening is a learned behavior. You know, things like making eye contact when someone is speaking to you, turning towards a voice because you are curious or think they are addressing you. These are learned behaviors. If she did not have a lot of interaction in her past (which we suspect) - this whole "I am talking to YOU" thing is very new to her.
2) In order to keep her still, there were some toys there to play with on my lap. Well, my girl was wayyy interested in the toys. No, let me rephrase that. Remember she doesn't really know what toys are. So basically she was going through them at lightning speed. Dropping them and saying, "Uh-oh, uh-oh." The audiologist said that she could have been so busy with them, that she would not bother to turn her head to the sounds that she was putting on over the speakers even though she could hear them.
3) This is the medical part. Lily has fluid in her ears, we suspect. This is pretty normal for cleft babies as their whole ENT system is open. Dr. Tribble did a test to see if her ear drums would move when the air pressure went up on the outside of her ear (they have an instrument to do this that is painless). On a normal ear, the eardrum moves to accommodate the extra pressure. For Lily, there was no movement. This is most likely because she has fluid build up in her ears. Therefore there would be decreased hearing as things sound muffled (like I am talking to you from underwater). Dr. Tribble said that the ENT doc will do a thorough check. Fun, fun, fun. I am dreading it already. Lily was none too happy (crying) to have the doctor today look in her ears with an otoscope. I can only imagine how much she will love the ENT.

The good news is that Lily really seems to hear quite fine at home. She is starting to respond more and more to our voices. She tries to imitate our sounds as much as she can. She babbles a LOT.
And the doctor did say that once her palate is closed and possibly tubes are put in her ears, the fluid should diminish a LOT. I am also attaching an iPhone pic from the waiting room at the audiologist today.

She has learned more signs - her full list now is:
Light
Moon
Drink
More
All done
Please
Dog
Bird

She knows these body parts:
Eyes
Button (belly button)

And she can say
Mama
Uh-oh!
Whoa-whoa (which is what she calls our dog. It is like a woofing noise)

Lily is a joy to have. Did I mention she is busy busy busy? She really is! She will try to get anyone she can to walk around the house with her. She is almost never still. Again, I am hoping she becomes more serene as time goes on, and she realizes she can RELAX at home. Seriously, she does not relax. Even if I am holding her, her body is erect and her head is not resting on my chest. In her carseat, she sits with her head up as well - never does she rest it against the carseat (or me) unless she is passed out. I am not sure if she is just still excited and exploring her environment, or if she doesn't want to miss anything, or what. I am longing for the day I can curl up on the couch with her and do something like read a book or snuggle. She still does not know what to do with books. I have been trying to read her a couple of board books every night before sleeping to establish a nighttime routine and also help her with her vocabulary. Well, our sessions go something like this - I start the story, she closes the book. I start again, she flips to the next page. I continue, she starts crawling on the bed. I persevere, she grabs the book out of my hands and drops it and says, "Uh oh!" I know it will come.

And when we see her eyes light up when she sees each of us - it is a gift from the Lord.
I will post this letter on my blog, and for those who want to follow along our url is www.hisloveprevails.blogspot.com

Goodnight!

Love,
Chenning

Damaged Goods

When I was in college, we would gather Tuesday nights for InterVarsity Christian Fellowship's large group meeting. We met at First Presbyterian Church - which was right across the street from campus. After you filed through the foyer, got your name tag and greeted friends, you would sit in the cushioned pews in the sanctuary for worship. Jason Jensen, our fearless leader (staff worker) would always come up to the podium and take the mic to welcome everyone and explain what IV was just in case there were any newcomers. He would always say the same thing:

"Welcome to InterVarsity Christian Fellowship's large group meeting. My name is Jason Jensen. We are a group of messed up people who have gathered around and worship the person of Jesus Christ."

Messed up people.

I remember that a friend of mine in IV actually had reservations about Jason introducing our group that way. He felt that it would scare off new people. Messed up people.

But we are messed up people.

Some of us may be messed up in more obvious ways, but all of us have weaknesses and faults and SIN - though we can try to hide it deep inside.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately since we met Lily, and she joined our family. As you know - she was labeled a "special needs adoption." What does this mean? Well, in different countries it may mean different things, but in China it means that there is something about her that makes her probably not adoptable by her native people. When we decided to do the special needs program, Dave and I were able to carefully consider some of the more common medical concerns that come up and make a list for our wonderful adoption coordinator to use to find a child for us. In China, 90% of the orphans are labeled special needs. Some of those special needs would not necessarily be considered such in the United States, but others range from mild and correctible to moderate to severe. Last I heard, there are over 2,000 children on the shared list (these are the special needs children still waiting for a family).

We knew that Lily had a cleft palate, cleft lip, and right ingual hernia. Now that she is home with us, when people meet us and see her and I explain about our medical appointments that we have been going to, they frequently ask, "Did you know she had cleft palate?" Yes, yes, we knew.

The reality of seeing how this special need affects our daughter has been sobering. Even more sobering has been coming to terms (or trying not to think about) how she may have been kept before we adopted her. I wrote about the lice and scabies and how painfully thin she is. I wrote about the scars on her bottom. And her bachycephaly (fancy word for flat head - or as another pediatrician calls it "orphanage head"). I found out yesterday at the general pediatrician's office that a possible reason that her bottom ribs flare out slightly is because she may have rickets. :-(

Rickets is not something we see here in the States very much. It is what can happen to your bones when you do not get enough Vitamin D (either in your diet or from not being outside enough). Thankfully, when I expressed my concern about what is to be done with RICKETS, Dr. Lloyd said, "Oh it's treatable! We will give her some Vitamin D if that is what she needs. It is amazing what a little love and food can do, too."

What am I saying?

Lily was on the special needs list because she could be considered damaged goods.

Damaged because of her medical needs.

And even without that, damaged because she had to experience abandonment, loss, and who knows what else.


This has made me think about those of us who have come to know the love and family of God. We were damaged goods as well. Maybe we don't have a health condition (but maybe we do). Maybe we have a bad temper, or can't stop lying, or wanting to be better than someone else, or maybe we have wandering eyes or abuse or have been abused. We are damaged by sin. And we were in a place where we were so messed up and no one wanted us. . . but the love of Christ came to us and He saved us and adopted us. We actually all have special needs - maybe you just can't see them from the outset.

6 All of us have become like one who is unclean,
and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags;
we all shrivel up like a leaf,
and like the wind our sins sweep us away.
Isaiah 64:6

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding." Ephesians 1:3-8

"for you once were NOT A PEOPLE, but now you are THE PEOPLE OF GOD; you had NOT RECEIVED MERCY, but now you have RECEIVED MERCY" 1Peter 2:10

Now, although adoption is a wonderful picture of God's adoption and love for us - I do not feel like we saved and rescued Lily. What I mean is, yes - probably we did take her out of a situation that was optimal - but we did not adopt her so that we could save a child. We adopted her (and I wanted to adopt) because we love children. And feel that all children should have a loving home. And everyone would be blessed by a child to love. So as much as people say she is "lucky" or "blessed" to have us - I feel even more so that we will be blessed to have her. We are raising her? Yes, and she is raising us :-). Lord willing, we will- each one of us - grow up together in Christ.

We have been home 10 days. There have been challenges - and I feel like I am constantly in a state of emotional or physical exhaustion. Yes, we are having lots of fun and enjoying watching Lily blossom slowly. It is a privilege. But it has been hard too.

Hard because...
I have forgotten how energetic 18 month olds are! Yikes! And like I said before - she is a busy toddler who does not nurse (at least not yet). So no nursing breaks for us.

She cannot communicate very well with us still. When she gets agitated or wants something or wants to go somewhere - she will start making these whining/humming noises in increasing intensity! My nerves! My other children could communicate a lot with me by this age so we didn't have a lot of this. Lily knows a few signs, but we are trying to reinforce them to make life easier (and for her mother's sanity!).

I am stressed by the medical stuff. This is all new to me since my other children are so healthy and I carried them and birthed them and knew all of their medical history and their genetics more or less. Lily has been doing great with the doctors. She is a trooper. I worry because there is so much unknown about her background that we are still trying to figure out. She is having tests and so forth done to just get a baseline. Also - do you know how long it takes to wait to see a specialist? I called today to ENT - and the next available appt is November 16th!

Judy, our China friend, said that when she saw the photo of her Lily she touched it fondly and said, "Mama's gonna fix you all up." I confess that this is how I felt when we first received Lily. As the days have gone on - I realize that it is not necessarily within my power, and that certainly it will not be an overnight process. Patience! I am trying not to let all of this interfere with our bonding. It is hard to bond when you are acting like a nurse. And for the most part, Lily is healthy and normal - she smiles, she laughs, she plays, she eats, she sleeps, she gives hugs, she is happy to see her Daddy, she makes good eye contact :-).

It made me think again of our Lord. How He *DID* rescue us, and we certainly have more to be cleaned up and fixed than Lily's medical needs. However, how He loves us. He is so patient with us. He loves us so completely - and takes us right into His arms without looking over us and thinking of all the things He is going to have to work on. All of those things come gradually as He rehabilitates us and draws us with His love.

Yeah, we are messed up people. But He loves us just the way we are.

Pictures with the "Good" Camera

We went to Argonaut Elementary School over the weekend and snapped some photos of the whole fam with our "good" camera. Wow - what a difference the camera makes. Dave and I had decided not to bring it with us to China since it weighs as much as a small child :-).

Lily has an appointment tomorrow with Dr. Lloyd, our pediatrician. Hoping and praying for a clean bill of health. She has some other issues (besides the cleft lip and palate) that I want to ask him about. Namely a hernia that is unrepaired (but does not seem to bother her), and also her bottom ribs flare out a little. We have not heard yet from ENT or pulmonology as of yet. Also, today I took her to see the cranial sacral therapist for a consult. Dr. Skinner was confident that with 4-6 visits, there should be noticeable improvement in Lily's head shape. I asked her how it worked and apparently CST uses the fluids of the body (going with the flow of them) to help the body decompress and do what it is trying to do anyway. Sounds really. . . ODD. But I think we will give it a try as it is very very gentle, and I have known many mamas who have benefited from it (or their children have). I am going to for sure take before and after photos and see what happens.

Otherwise, Lily is doing well. We are still adjusting over here to having one more member of the family. I am tired. And there is still so much catching up to be done with laundry and unpacking and the boys' schoolwork. Next week should be better.