Ug

Just an update.  Lily is not 5 days post surgery.  She seems to be doing well.  She is off pain meds (not even Tylenol any more), wanting to play and jump - giving me near heart-attacks as I am terrified she will land on her face and split her new lip!  She continues to be able to eat bite-sized stuff and is talking nearly as much as ever.

We had a sad moment the other day when brother was pretending to take a picture of her with her Hello Kitty camera, and she said, "I can't smile." :-(

It's true.  Her top lip is tight and tiny, with a strip of sutures down the middle.  So today with another photo opportunity - instead of asking her to say, "Cheese," I asked her to say, "Hi Daddy!" and her eyes still smiled :-).

I have been very emotional and having a rather hard time.

Leading up to the surgery I was very anxious about the day going well.  Getting it over with.  Hoping the procedure would go well and smoothly.  I did not think about how things would be afterwards.  I did not anticipate missing her old smile, feeling upset and terrible about subjecting my daughter to surgery to "fix" her when all who know her think and believe she is gorgeous, fearful and dreading the future surgeries she will have to endure.  Yeah, I have been feeling pretty yukky.

Many people ask if this will be her last surgery.  No, unfortunately not.  There will be at least 3 more surgeries that I know of - and perhaps more if things need to be further revised or corrected.  Lily has a fistula in her palate that will need to be closed probably sometime in the next year.  This will hopefully help her with her speech.  At some point, she will need to have her nose shaped as kids born with bilateral complete cleft lip are missing the columella (the piece between your nostrils that gives your nose some height at its tip).  Then when she is 10 or so, she will need to have bone grafted in to her cleft gumline.

The surgery this time has brought up a slew of other thoughts.  It is hard to explain to a 3 year old about surgery.  Hard to explain about cleft lip and palate.  It could bring up questions about her birth, adoption and her first parents.  Which I don't want to hide - but not sure how to explain.  Up to this point (and perhaps still), Lily did not know that she looks a little different from other people.  It has been wonderful!  I do not want her to feel that she has a "defect."

I pray for grace and wisdom to answer these questions at her level when the time comes.